countdown.

Three days ago Devon and I got the address to our new home :). It's kinda intense because it is the most in depth I have ever looked at housing. I had no idea there was so much that went into it but it has finally come. We will have our own washer and dryer, a/c, a home for our sofas, and someday....a dog!! :) Here is my countdown to the next few months:

One week:

I complete my Bachelors of Science at BYU-Idaho

Three weeks:

Mr. and Mrs. Devon Kienzle ♥ forever ♥

Married and on our way to beautiful

2 1/2 months

Kienzle family will be in our new home at the Village

Devon and Elizabeth Kienzle

August 7, 2010

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Atonement.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were

like the ones in Libraries that listed authors or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different readings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read, "People I have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards, I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written actions of every moment, big and small, in detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed".

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I have read", "Lies I have told", "Comfort I have given", "Jokes I have laughed at". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness. "Things I have yelled at my brothers". Others I couldnt laugh at. "Things I have done in my anger", "Things I have muttered under my breath to my parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Somtimes fewer than I had hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of life I had lived. Could it be possible that I have time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands of even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my handwriting. Each was signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I have Listened to" I realize the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, ashamed, not so much by the quality of the music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to the file marked "Lustful thoughts" I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind. "No one must see these cards! No one must ever see this room, I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out, its size didnt matter now. I had to empty it and burn those cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card only to find it strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning on my forehead against the wall. I let out a long self-pittying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I have shared the gospel with", the handle was brighter than those around it. Newer and almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box no more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame. From the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of files and shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But as I pushed away the tears, I saw him. No, please. Not him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as he began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch his response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did he have to read every one?

Finally, he turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put his arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then he got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room he took out a file and one by one began to sign his name over mine on each card. "NO", I shouted rushing to him. All I could say was "No, no" as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name Jesus covered mine. It was written with his own blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I dont think I'll ever understand how he did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said "It is finished". I stood up and he led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

the countdown.

So here it is, the month before the wedding. I still haven't got all my invites and announcements out, no my dress hasn't been altered and we just barely found a wedding photographer...last night. Not only is it the month before the wedding, but the last month of my college career. Crazy right?

Everyone tells me these are the months to remember, the fondest memories they have; well I can officially say that it has been one of the most stressful times that I can remember. Anatomy and Physiology, my job, my wonderful calling and wedding planning seem to rule my life. I think it is safe to say that I'm busy, but truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way. The busyness and work give me something to look forward to. Soon I will have a few concentrations instead of so many. I am excited. Mostly it is exciting to me because I look forward to the day when I will be finished with school and then two weeks later being blessed to have my best friend next to me for eternity. That is the exciting part. A new chapter in life is about to begin.

Countdown: 37 days! ♥


Just one more thing....

I know this video is newer but lately I have been watching it just about every few days. So I want to share it. Elder Holland is amazing to me and I love what he shares in this story. I know that times do get hard. Some days it is safe to say that you don't know where life will take you. A good friend of mine once told me to serve with all of my heart when I was going through a tough time and I can definitely say I ended up on the good side of things, ready to continue. I know that the Lord is there for us and as long as we're doing what is right he will direct us.